The Things We Ask From Love
by Shiaw Mei Mei
Summary: Sam and Jack have to contend with the after affects of their capture. (Sequel to The Things We Demand From Love)


Category: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Romance  
  
Pairings: Jack/Sam  
  
Spoilers: Anything pre-seven.  
  
Season: Early seven, pre Heroes, pre Chimera (I tend to ignore that one anyway!)  
  
Sequel: The Things We Demand From Love  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
**Content Warnings: Implied sexual situations; implied non-consensual sexual situations. This story deals with the aftermath of attempted rape. There no graphic descriptions, but there are implied.  
**  
Summary: Sam and Jack have to contend with the after affects of their capture.  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.  
  
Author's Note: Special thanks to my beta, Tame! She is a real trooper when it comes to fixing all my terrible grammar! There is an NC-17 version of this fic at my website.  
  
**The Things We Ask From Love  
  
Part One  
**  
Major Joseph Williams, M.D., USMC, was intrigued. Actually, he had been intrigued for about three months now. That's how long it had been since he found out about the Stargate Program and Stargate Command. He had gotten this position due to his success of the treatment of psychological turmoil in POW's and survivors of war and terrorism. Major Williams didn't start out life wanting to be a psychiatrist; he hadn't even started out wanting to be a doctor. Through the strange twists and turns that life threw at him, that's where he ended up.  
  
Now he was looking at a real tough case, Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter. Their files sat on his desk accusingly. How the hell did one deal with alien abduction and torture? Much less the incident described in Dr. Frasier's report. The Colonel had come way too close to killing his subordinate to put her out of her pain. If it hadn't been for the intervention of the Jaffa, Kaveh, he would have succeeded. It was Major Williams' job to work them through the emotional aftermath.  
  
"And I actually agreed to this job?" he said accusingly to the files on his desk. A knock at his door interrupted his musings. "Come in," he yelled as he closed the two files and tucked them into a drawer.  
  
Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter entered the room. They had an air of reluctance about them that was unmistakable. Major Williams rose from his seat. "Major, Colonel, I am Major Joseph Williams." He extended his hand to the Colonel first, military protocol overriding chivalry.  
  
Colonel O'Neill reached out and shook the younger man's hand. He was very different from what Jack expected from a psychiatrist. He was a tall athletic looking African American man, late 30's to early 40's, dressed in BDU's. McKenzie always managed to look like a shrink. This guy looked like a soldier. "Major," Jack said as he released the man's hand.  
  
Major Williams extended his hand to Major Carter and she shook it as well. Williams liked the way she shook hands, very self confident, no hesitation. It boded well for their first meeting. O'Neill looked suspicious, as if someone were trying to pull a fast one on him. His file had said that he had an intense dislike of psychiatrists in general and McKenzie in particular.  
  
"Please, Colonel, Major, be seated." Williams indicated several comfortable chairs as he seated himself in one of them. Jack and Sam sat down, both looking uneasy. "Okay, we all know the reason that you two are here. I've read the report that Dr. Frasier sent about the mission to P3X-  
882. She included the information that she received from Kaveh and from General Carter and his Tok'ra, Selmac." Williams shivered slightly thinking about the retired General's unusual situation.  
  
Jack laughed when he saw the shiver run through Major Williams. "Yeah, Carter's dad has that same effect on me."  
  
Major Williams looked at Sam, slightly embarrassed. "Major Carter, forgive me. I have only known about the SGC for three months now. I am still trying to acclimate myself to the unusual things that have been going on around here. No offense to your father or to Selmac."  
  
"None taken, Major," Sam laughed. "My father had that effect on people before he became host to Selmac. It's doubly so now!"  
  
"Okay, this Major, Major, Colonel, stuff is going to get out of control! Why don't you both call me Joe? It's much easier that way. Ranks only get in the way of the process anyway."  
  
Jack and Sam both smiled and nodded their agreement.  
  
"Okay, let's get back to the purpose of this meeting! First, I want both of you to know a little bit about me. I get to read the details of your records and you are supposed to just come in here and accept me without any idea of who I am. I don't think that helps the trust that needs to be shared in counseling of this kind."  
  
Joe saw Jack nod slightly in approval as he continued. "I am a soldier first, a doctor second and a shrink last. I joined ROTC in college to get my school paid for. I did well enough that the military agreed to pay for my medical school in exchange for many, many years of commitment!" Joe laughed thinking about the length of his service agreement. "As it turns out I love being a Marine more than anything, so it worked out well. Part of my training agreement was to serve summers working in military hospitals. Since I wasn't fully trained as a doctor I was relegated mostly to nurses' aid type functions. In that time, I came to know quite a few soldiers that had survived capture and imprisonment. I also came to realize that I didn't necessarily agree with their psychological treatment." Joe hesitated while he took a sip of coffee. He stared at the coffee for a second and looked up guiltily.  
  
"I think I forgot my manners, would you like anything to drink?"  
  
Jack laughed lightly. "Sure, Joe, coffee would be great, black, no sugar." In spite of his distrust of shrinks, he had to like this man. He didn't try to act as if he was the perfect all knowing shrink like McKenzie did.  
  
"I'll take the same, thank you," Sam said. She could tell that Jack was more relaxed than she thought he would be. Sam didn't have the same distrust of psychiatry that he did, but Joe was like night and day to McKenzie.  
  
Joe handed them their coffee as he continued, "Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, I didn't agree with the treatment because they didn't get past the surface. Most soldiers feel the need to hide emotions such as fear, despair, grief, because they are 'good soldiers'. We all know that there is no one who is truly unafraid in battle. You just do what you have to do in spite of the fear. That's how heroes are made." Joe took a sip of coffee while he tried to watch their expressions. Yeah, they knew exactly what he meant. He could read that much from their expressions. He could also see the hesitation return to Jack's face that was there when he first arrived.  
  
"As I came to realize this I decided that I wanted to specialize in psychiatry so I could try to do it differently. After reading through some of the mission briefings from the SGC, I realized that this is exactly the place that needs my unusual approach. Of course, the situation that you found yourselves in puts an even stranger twist on the treatment." Joe took another sip of coffee. "First, you are both on down time until further notice, at my discretion. I have spoken with General Hammond and he agrees. Second, remember that anything that happens in here is between the three of us. None of the details of your sessions or treatment will become part of your military files. The only entry to your permanent record will be whether or not you are fit for duty."  
  
Joe looked closely at both of them. They needed to understand this completely. He would never be able to get them to do what he wanted if they thought that it would be part of their permanent record. "Is that part completely understood?"  
  
Sam nodded but Jack looked skeptical. "What if you are ordered to release that information? By, say, the president."  
  
"I won't and even he can't make me. Military doctors are protected the same as civilian ones. They have the right of patient-doctor confidentiality. Once your treatment concludes I will destroy the more controversial information. Only the final recommendation will remain. Your personal demons will remain personal."  
  
Jack nodded, relaxing slightly.  
  
Joe continued, "Do either of you have any questions?"  
  
"How long?" Jack said curtly.  
  
"How long what?"  
  
"How long will this take?"  
  
"Well, Jack, that is completely up to the two of you. If your treatment progresses quickly, weeks, a month, maybe, if not, then it could take a few months."  
  
It was obvious that Jack didn't like either answer but had no choice in the matter. Obviously if he didn't cooperate, this could take a while. "Okay, when do we start?"  
  
"Well, as I mentioned earlier, I am not one to take a conventional approach to unconventional issues. The first thing that I want from both of you is a _detailed_ mission report." Joe raised his hand to silence the objection that Jack was obviously about to make. "Jack, I read the mission report. There's not much there to work with. I want both of you to write down everything that happened, and I mean everything, thoughts, feelings, and actions. These reports will be part of what is destroyed at the end of your treatment."  
  
Joe handed them copies of the official mission report and their individual reports. "Start with these and fill in the blanks. Your only other option is to sit in here and tell me about it. I've found that it is too hard and takes too long that way."  
  
Jack and Sam reached for the papers that Joe was handing them. "How long do we have to finish these?" Sam asked.  
  
"Well, I know it's going to be difficult but the sooner I get these back, the sooner we can get started. So let's say, uh, a week?"  
  
Sam bit her lip and nodded. The idea of reliving this in detail was going to be painful. She had been trying to forget the whole thing. She glanced at Jack. His face revealed nothing. She recognized that look. He wasn't happy about their 'assignment' either.  
  
"Oh, and one more thing, I want you to write them together." Both of them started to object. Joe held up a hand to silence them. "Not work on them together, just in the same place, one of your houses or one of your offices. Although I think, it would be best to do this off base. You would have fewer distractions."  
  
Jack refused to be silenced, "Major, I don't think that that is a good idea considering our ranks and positions and the, uh, situation that we find ourselves in."  
  
"Major is it? Okay, _Colonel_, I disagree. I am inclined to treat this situation, as you call it, as a type of couples counseling." Jack's mouth dropped open and Sam blushed. "Your feelings toward each other were outlined in Dr. Frasier's report. General Hammond is aware of the situation and concurs with my assessment. Of course the General will deny any knowledge of it." Joe laughed at the memory of General Hammond standing in this office trying to get the point across to him without actually talking about it. "However, it is not necessarily due to your potentially romantic feelings toward each other. I have used this method in the past with team members that have strong feelings of friendship. It worked. It can work again."  
  
"How the hell did the General find out about it?" Jack was visibly upset. Sam could get in trouble for this. He wouldn't let anything happen to her.  
  
"Calm down, Colonel." Joe's surprisingly forceful voice cut through Jack's thoughts. "General Hammond saw you in the infirmary sleeping in the same bed with Major Carter the night she first regained consciousness. He managed to sneak past Dr. Frasier, as did your father, Major."  
  
They both looked shocked.  
  
"Dad never said a word to me!" Sam said incredulously.  
  
"Yeah, and I am still alive!" Jack said to her.  
  
"Well, Dr. Frasier convinced them that it was the only way to calm Sam down. Evidently she ran the General out of sickbay in fear of what little hair he has left!" Joe laughed at the thought of the petite doctor facing down General Hammond. "And I will deny I said that hair comment!"  
  
Jack and Sam both laughed at that.  
  
"The point is, Jack, Sam, the General has eyes. He realized a long time ago that you two were closer emotionally than you should be but since it has never affected the team or operations, he chose to turn a blind eye. However, if we can't get you past this incident, he will have no choice but to transfer one of you. The emotional repercussions of your incarceration could be too much for you to be able to continue working together in field situations."  
  
Jack caught Sam's eye. She very slightly inclined her head. He understood. They had to do this. They had no choice. They would end up too over protective of each other if they didn't and that would affect operations. It could get someone hurt, or worse. Joe watched their silent communication, amazed. They could read each other in such minute detail. He figured that after nearly seven years of working side by side, and at least half that with a strong emotional bond, had created the ability. They both looked at Joe now and nodded.  
  
"Sweet!" was Joe's only reply. Jack and Sam started laughing. "What? Did I say something funny?" They just shook their heads and tried to control their laughing. Joe felt like he was the butt of a private joke. Oh, well, this session at least was ending on a high note.  
  
"So, I want you both off base within the hour. Do not stop, do not pass go! Decide whose house you are going to meet at and get started on your homework." Joe stood as he spoke. Jack and Sam rose with him, clutching their papers, and each shook his hand before they left.  
  
For quite awhile, Joe sat at his desk thinking about the two officers. He hoped that he could get them back to where they needed to be, if only any of them knew where that was.  
  
**Part Two**  
  
Jack and Sam walked in silence back to Sam's lab. They had no idea what to say to each other. Things had been that way since Sam was able to leave the infirmary two days ago. Things had been so different while she was stuck there. Janet released Jack the day she had regained consciousness, but she had to stay two more days. Jack visited her several times a day while she was there. They hadn't talked much then either even though they knew they needed to. The suffering they had endured at the hands of Angra Mainyu was more than just physical. The emotional consequences were devastating. They had finally admitted to each other, and themselves, the feelings that they had kept bottled up for so many years. Now they couldn't decide whether to try to put the genie back in bottle or move forward.  
  
Joe was definitely not what they had expected. Jack and Sam were both relieved to find out that they wouldn't be subjected to McKenzie's over the glasses stare. Neither one of them felt they could trust McKenzie. Joe, on the other hand, seemed like a straightforward, trustworthy kind of guy.  
  
Jack shut the door to Sam's lab after they entered. "Well, what now?" he said as he leaned back against the door. Sam's face was unreadable.  
  
"We don't have much choice now, do we, sir?" she said, her face inscrutable.  
  
"Okay, no choice, so where do we go?" he refrained from the cliché of 'your place or mine'. Even Jack could see that humor didn't fit in well at the moment.  
  
Sam looked thoughtful for a moment before she picked up the phone and asked the base operator for Major Williams' office. Jack started to say something but she held up her hand and shook her head. "Joe, it's Sam Carter. Do we have to stay in Colorado Springs?" Sam paused for his response. "Well, we are trying to figure out where to do this and I don't think we would be comfortable at either of our houses so I wondered if we could go somewhere else." Again, she paused. "No, we would be reachable by cell phone." Sam hung up the phone after thanking Joe and turned to Jack.  
  
"What was that all about? We hadn't really discussed anything yet. Where do you want to go?"  
  
"Minnesota, Jack."  
  
**Part Three  
**  
Jack couldn't believe it. He and Sam were on the way to his cabin in Minnesota. He really wasn't sure this was a good idea. They would be completely secluded. No neighbors, no visitors, no one for miles. Sam had left the base to go pack and he had gone to General Hammond to explain their impending absence but the General just said that for now they were on temporary duty assignment to Major Williams. He didn't want, nor did he need, to know anything. Jack took the hint as Hammond wished them luck and hoped they would be ready for duty soon.  
  
Sam met him at his place with her bags packed and now they were driving east along I-80 through Nebraska, halfway to his cabin. Sam was dozing restlessly in the seat next to him. Jack couldn't get her to explain her choice of locations and, to tell the truth, he didn't care. She would finally see his cabin. The woman he loved in a place that he loved, he couldn't ask for more. They had left late that afternoon and it was almost midnight now. He knew they needed to stop. He was tired and he knew she was. She hadn't fully recovered from the trauma she had suffered on their last mission. That was a polite way to put their disastrous capture.  
  
Jack saw the signs for the Kearney exit. 'Well, that's as good a place as any,' he thought. They still had at least six hours of drive time to the cabin. Sam stirred as he slowed on the exit. He stopped before emerging on to the main road and looked at the signs for hotels.  
  
"What's up?" Sam murmured sleepily.  
  
"Rest stop, we need to find somewhere to stay."  
  
Sam sat up straighter and stretched. "Where are we?" she said looking around through blinking eyes.  
  
"Kearney, Nebraska. We're still about six hours from Minnesota." He avoided using the words 'my cabin'. 'Why would I do that? It was her idea!'  
  
Jack pulled his truck onto the main road and headed for a Comfort Inn just up the road. "I'll get us a couple of rooms and we can get an early start in the morning."  
  
"Why waste money on two rooms? Just get one with two beds. It won't be any different from sleeping in the same tent off world, just more comfortable." Jack tried not to look startled. Yeah, right, it was no different, being in a hotel with no chaperones and being off world with Daniel and Teal'c! "It's not a problem, I can get two rooms."  
  
"Don't worry about it, sir. We can share a room and behave like adults." Sam grinned in the dark as she looked out the passenger side window. 'He is really nervous about this. What does he think I'm going to do to him?' Of course, she knew what she wanted to do to him, with him. That was one of the reasons that she chose his cabin. She didn't _plan _on 'doing' anything. She just wanted to be away from everyone so that no matter what happened, it stayed between them.  
  
"Okay, Carter," he said as he parked the truck in front of the hotel and jumped out. "Be right back!"  
  
Sam sat watching him walk into the lobby. She could see him at the desk talking to the desk clerk, his back to her. Could she behave in a hotel room with Jack? It was serious temptation. And she had insisted on the sleeping arrangements. Would he take it the wrong way? Would he take the initiative? 'Nah, he would never start something. I'm going to have to be the one to start it, if we start anything.' She sat watching him fill out the paperwork; he was dressed in a t-  
shirt and jeans with hiking boots. The shirt wasn't tight but she could see the play of his muscles as he pushed the paperwork toward the clerk and stretched.  
  
She should have taken a turn at driving. He had to be exhausted. He probably wouldn't have let her. Sam watched him tug his t-shirt back down after completing his bone cracking stretch. She could always offer him a back rub as compensation for his doing all the driving. Sam smiled at the thought of rubbing his tight muscles, probing her fingers into his bare back, feeling the tension give way. Sam could almost feel his back under her hands. She was so lost in her little fantasy that she didn't notice him return to the truck.  
  
Jack paused as he approached the truck. Sam seemed lost in thought, but the look on her face was almost sensuous. What was she thinking? He watched as she parted her lips slightly and ran her tongue over her top lip before biting her lower lip. Jack felt a tingling just watching her. 'Oh, don't go there!' he thought as he started toward the truck again.  
  
Sam noticed Jack as he passed in front of the truck, headed for the driver's side. She quickly schooled her expression and tried to put the thoughts she was having out of her head! How had the idea of a simple back massage become so exciting?  
  
Jack opened the door and climbed in, hoping that Sam hadn't noticed him watching her. "Got a room, two beds. We'll get some sleep and get out early. I asked for a 0600 wake up. We can get on the road by seven and grab some breakfast on the way." He was rambling, he knew, she knew it. 'Oh, hell, it's late and I'm tired, let her chalk it up to that!'  
  
Jack pulled the truck up in front of their room. Sam climbed out and pulled her duffle from the back. They were only going to be gone a few days. She packed light. Jack opened the room up and looked around. Nice, clean. It'll do.  
  
"Dibs on the shower first," Sam said as she walked in behind him. "I'll be quick and I'll even leave you a little hot water!" She tossed her duffle on the bed furthest from the door and rummaged though it looking for something to sleep in. Finding the shorts and t-shirt she brought for that purpose, she grabbed her toiletries kit and headed for the shower, thinking 'Yeah, I'll leave him plenty of hot water since I need a cold shower!'  
  
'I should tell her not to worry about the hot water, my shower will be cold!' Jack thought as he pulled his night things out of his duffel. He lay back on the bed, his feet still on the floor, listening to the shower running. Sam was in there. Sam was behind that door in the shower. 'Jack, stop it!' he told himself, 'that kind of thinking is going to make things much worse!'  
  
Jack's thoughts kept wandering into the shower. He wanted to be able to wander in there with them. 'Not fair, my thoughts get to have all the fun! Great, let's add schizophrenic to my list of psychological problems!' When he heard the shower shut off, Jack sat up and busied himself with the TV. He deliberately tried not to look in the direction of the bathroom.  
  
"All yours now," Sam said as she walked over to her bed, drying her short blonde hair with a towel. "There's even hot water." She smiled as he grabbed his shaving kit and headed for the bathroom. He tried to smile back but it was a weak one.  
  
'Okay, what's the matter with him,' she thought. 'Maybe sharing a room is too much. I just really don't want to be alone.' Sam had not been completely alone since their rescue. At first, she was in the infirmary and then Janet had insisted that she stay on base for a few days before trying to stay at home. Every time Sam thought about being alone, she would remember the nights when Jack was gone, taken to Angra Mainyu and she was alone in their cell. Well, alone with her despair and fear that she would never see him again.  
  
Sam felt tears coming to her eyes as she remembered what had happened. She had asked him to kill her. She could have handled the pain but she couldn't go back in there with what Angra Mainyu had promised to do to her. The pain was bad enough. It felt like you had second and third degree burns all over your body but there were no marks. Nothing would relieve the pain and even contact with the floor hurt, much less contact with another person. Angra Mainyu had promised her plenty of contact when he felt the time was right.  
  
Sam tried to hold back the tears as she tossed her duffle into the floor between her bed and the wall. 'Stop thinking about it!' she felt like yelling. Joe was going to force her to go over everything in detail, even the things that Jack didn't know about. How could she let him know those things that Angra Mainyu had done to her, had said he would do to her? She couldn't even think about them. She kept blocking them whenever they threatened to surface. She crawled under the covers and turned her face to the wall. She didn't want Jack to know she was upset. Sympathy would send her into a hysterical fit. She tried to control her breathing to let him think that she was already asleep. Sam heard the water cease and closed her eyes.  
  
Jack stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing his teeth. He wore only a towel around his waist. The cold shower had helped. He rinsed his mouth out and reached for a hand towel to dry his face.  
  
Jack paused with the towel still at his mouth. He examined his reflection critically. He was nearly 52 years old. Not in bad shape for a man his age. His muscles were still tight. He had so many scars on his body he had lost count. He had his share of wrinkles, mostly in his face. Years of wind and weather doesn't do much for your complexion. There was no sign of the brown that his hair used to be. His hair was silver. 'Okay, gray,' he thought. Even his chest hair was mostly gray. Jack pulled the towel from his waist to finish drying off.  
  
What would a young vivacious woman like Sam even see in him? She was at least 14 years his junior. His personality was downright cranky and she was bubbly. Although he wasn't as dense as most people thought he was, she was a damned genius. He was just impatient to get to the crux of things. He didn't need to know the details, just the pertinent facts. Hell, you don't make Colonel without an education. He had a B.S. and even most of the credits he needed for a master's degree. Of course, he had threatened Hammond with something dire if anyone found that out! He liked watching the way his 'denseness' frustrated old Danny boy. Sam was on to him but never said anything. You could tell by her smile when he cut her off. She knew he understood most of what she was saying. He was just impatient.  
  
Jack sighed as he pulled on his shorts. He pulled his t-shirt on and opened the door to the darkened room. Sam had left the light on near his bed. He quietly moved over to his bed and put his duffel on the floor before climbing in. Jack laid there listening to Sam's breathing. It was steady but it sounded forced. He didn't think she was asleep; she just wanted him to think that she was. 'Well, if that's what she wants, that's what she gets,' he thought as he settled down to do the same thing. He didn't remember when he actually fell asleep.  
  
**Part** **Four  
**  
Jack woke with a start. Sam was crying, sobbing. He flew out of the bed, practically falling onto her bed in the darkness. "Sam, baby, what's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing, just a dream, please, Jack," her words gasped between sobs, "just go away. I'll be alright!"  
  
He flipped the bedside light on. "I'm not going anywhere, Sam," he said softly as he pulled her close to him. She was covered in sweat, her clothes were soaked, even the bed was wet. She must have had an extremely bad nightmare! He had awakened the same way many times before. Iraq, Ba'al, and now Anger Man, and others, well, they all had an affect on him. He still had nightmares of them all. Sam wrapped her arms around his waist, crying into his shirt. "Sam, do you want to tell me about it? It might help. I have been there before, you know."  
  
"No, not yet!" she sobbed. "I can't just yet!"  
  
"Okay, baby, take it easy. I'm here, we're here, and you're safe." He held her close, rubbing her back to soothe her.  
  
Sam's sobbing softened into quiet crying and finally ceased. She held onto Jack as if he was a lifeboat in rough seas. He was her lifeboat. She didn't know what she would do without him. The guilt of what she had put him through stabbed at her heart. He had his lips against her damp hair still rocking her softly.  
  
"Sam, you need to change clothes. You'll get chilled in those."  
  
Sam nodded but didn't make any effort to move. Jack squeezed her tightly and kissed the top of her head. "Come on, now, Sam. You go wash your face and change clothes. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here when you get back." His hand gently grasped her chin as he lifted her head up to look in her eyes. "I will always be here for you, you know that don't you?"  
  
Sam smiled slightly and nodded. She raised her head up until her face was close to his. "Yeah, I know," she said softly as she lightly brushed his lips with hers. She stood up, walked over to her duffle for more clothes, and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.  
  
Jack sighed. That's why she didn't want two rooms. 'She hasn't been left completely alone since we were rescued.' He guessed that she must have thought the presence of another person would keep her nightmares away. He got up from her bed. Well, this bed was pretty much out of the question. Jack turned to his bed and straightened the covers.  
  
Sam looked at herself in the mirror. 'What a sight,' she thought as she surveyed the damage. Her hair was a disaster. It was soaked and stuck up in a dozen different directions. Her blue eyes looked bluer with all the red where white should be. Her eyes were puffy, almost swollen shut. Sam hadn't cried like that since her mother died. She felt a lump in her throat. She missed her mother so much. She was older now than her mother was when she died. Thirty-eight and what did she have to show for it? An impossible relationship with her CO, a father she never saw and that was possessed by an alien snake, a shaky relationship with her brother, no life outside the SGC, only work gave her purpose to her life. 'Well, just washing my face won't help,' she thought as she looked at her wet clothes plastered to her skin. Her whole body felt sticky from the sweat.  
  
Jack heard the shower in the bathroom. 'Good idea, Sam,' he mused, 'that should help you calm down some more.' Feeling the chill in the room, Jack crawled under the covers on his bed. He left the side closest to the bathroom for Sam. This was going to be difficult but she couldn't sleep in that bed and besides, she would probably sleep better with him close. He glanced at the clock. It was almost 0300. Their wake up call was in three hours. 'Well, I can at least fix that,' he thought as he reached for the phone.  
  
"Front desk, how can I help you?" answered a sleepy voice.  
  
"Hi, this is room 116. I'd like to change our wake up call from 6:00 to 8:00, please."  
  
"Sure thing, Mr. O'Neill, anything else you need tonight?"  
  
"No, thank you, good night," Jack said as Sam opened the door to the bathroom.  
  
"Who were you talking to?" she asked, her expression guarded.  
  
"The desk clerk. I changed our wake up call to 0800. It's after three now and we could use a little extra sleep."  
  
"Oh, okay," Sam had been afraid he had called Janet or even Major Williams. She hadn't been ready for Jack to know how badly she was handling this, much less anyone else.  
  
"Come here," Jack said softly as she headed for her bed, "you can't sleep over there. It's soaked. You can sleep over here."  
  
Sam closed her eyes as she hesitated. She wanted that more than anything! She wanted him to keep the nightmares at bay! But could she trust herself to sleep so close to him?  
  
Jack sat up as he saw her hesitation. "Sam, look, I know what you are going through. I just want to help you. You can trust me."  
  
Sam knew what he meant. She could trust him not to try anything. However, trusting him wasn't what worried her. She knew he would never initiate anything. He didn't have as much to risk as she did and he would never do anything to risk her career or reputation. It was herself she didn't trust. She wanted him so badly. She needed him. She needed him to erase the memories. Sam drew a deep ragged breath as she watched realization blossom across his face.  
  
'Jack, you idiot, it's not you she doesn't trust! She doesn't trust herself!' his thoughts must have shown on his face. Sam's eyes clouded over with embarrassment as she lowered her face, the hint of tears returning. Jack swiftly got up from the bed.  
  
"Jack, I'm sorry…" her voice trailed off as he reached her. He pulled her into a tight embrace.  
  
"Sam, baby, don't! You have no reason to apologize! I'm sorry. I should have realized it. I understand! Really I do! Look, we have feelings for each other that we have denied for a very long time. After what we've been through, it's only natural to want to act on them."  
  
"You're able to control it!" she said accusingly into his chest. "I should be able to!"  
  
"Sam," he lifted her face to look in her eyes, "I may be able to control it but not as well as you think. I just don't want to start something while we are both in this emotional turmoil. I don't want you to have any regrets if, or when, we decide to…" It was his turn for his voice to trail off. The look of love and gratitude in her eyes mesmerized him.  
  
Sam didn't think she could ever love him more than right now. He did understand. She nodded as a soft smile crossed her lips.  
  
"Look, if I promise I won't let you take advantage of me will you agree to sleep in the dry bed with me?" he said softly, a smile playing across his lips. She laughed lightly as she nodded. He pressed his lips to her forehead in a gentle kiss. "Great, now, Major, we get some sleep." He reached for her hand and led her to the bed. Jack held the covers up for her to slide under and tucked her in like a child. He moved around to his side a crawled in. He was exhausted. The long drive, long day, and emotional night had drained him. He let out a long sigh as he settled in on his side facing Sam. She reached over to turn off the bedside lamp. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light coming through the curtains, he saw her watching him.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Please hold me."  
  
"Yes, ma'am." He pulled her over close to him; her back snuggled into his front. She rested her neck on his upper arm, his forearm wrapped around her upper chest, and his hand gently rested on her shoulder. His other arm draped across her waist. She twined her fingers into his as she drifted off to sleep, safe in the cocoon of his arms.  
  
**Part Five**  
  
Sam woke slowly, savoring the warmth that enveloped her. She was still spooned up against Jack. His hand had moved from her shoulder and gently twirled a lock of her hair. His top leg had moved over both of hers so that his body surrounded her. She didn't know what time it was, the clock faced away from her, but the light shining through the windows indicated that it was early morning.  
  
"Good morning," she said softly.  
  
Jack kissed the back of her head, "Good morning to you too," he whispered near her ear. "Did you sleep okay?"  
  
"Yeah, wonderful, no more dreams!" she sighed.  
  
His hand began moving through her hair, caressing her scalp with his fingers. "It's still early; you can sleep some more if you want to."  
  
"What time is it?"  
  
"It's a little before seven," he replied.  
  
Sam stretched her lithe body, disturbing the leg that draped over hers. She yawned loudly as she rolled over to face him. "No, I guess we should get started," she said with a small groan. "If you give me a choice, I might just stay here all day! It is a very comfortable place to be!"  
  
Jack laughed as he leaned forward and kissed the tip of her nose. "Okay, then, let's move out!"  
  
Jack watched Sam as she got out of the bed and headed for the bathroom. She seemed fine, like her nightmare never happened but he knew all too well how deceiving that could be. After his capture by Ba'al, he had nightmares every night for a month and no one was the wiser. Daylight and routine made it possible to deny the things that went bump in the night.  
  
Jack crawled out of the bed and pulled his clothes out of his duffle. He heard the water still running in the sink so he figured he had time to change clothes before Sam came back out. He pulled off his t-shirt and then dropped the shorts he slept in on the bed. He had one leg in his boxers when he heard the bathroom door open.  
  
"Jack, what do you…?" Sam's voice stopped in mid-sentence as she admired the view of his naked butt.  
  
"Sam!" he yelled over his shoulder.  
  
"Oops." He heard the door close abruptly. Jack wasn't sure if the sound of laughter coming from the bathroom was a good thing or a bad thing. Well, at least she was laughing. He finished dressing quickly and went out to put his duffle in the car. Sam was still in the bathroom when he returned to the room.  
  
"Sam," he said through the door. "The truck keys are on the bed, I'm going to walk up to the office and check us out. Bring the truck around when you get ready."  
  
"Okay," she said. The sound of amusement was still in her voice.  
  
'Humph,' he thought as he walked toward the office. 'I never had anyone think my butt was that amusing.' What had set her off in a fit of giggles? 'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.'  
  
Sam peeked out of the bathroom to see if Jack was gone. She sat down on the bed and started laughing again. He sounded so embarrassed when he yelled her name. She wished she hadn't said anything when she walked out earlier. She knew he had a nice rear end, but she had always admired it through clothes. Sam shook her head and tried to get the sight and the thought out of her head. 'This is going to be an uncomfortable six hour drive!'  
  
Jack waited in front of the office as Sam pulled his truck around from their room. Still irritated by her earlier reaction, he watched as she scooted over to the passenger seat to allow him to drive. None of the amusement that had been in her voice showed in her face. 'Good thing,' he thought grumpily.  
  
Jack guided the big truck carefully onto I-80. Soon they were moving at top speed headed for his cabin. Thoughts of revenge kept his brain active and his voice silent. Sam sat silently watching the scenery go by. "Sam, let me know when you are hungry. We can stop anytime you want."  
  
"I could go for some coffee in a little while. I am still not completely awake yet. I don't think I've slept that good in, well, in a long time." She was still gazing out of the passenger window so Jack couldn't see her face when he glanced over at her.  
  
"Me either," he admitted. Sam turned to smile at him. This was one of those 'outshine the sun' smiles. Jack had to pull his eyes away to watch the road. He slid one hand over to touch her arm. "Me either, Sam," he said softly. She curled her hand around his fingers, letting their entwined hands fall to her thigh and continued to watch the scenery go by.  
  
They had been on the road for two hours before Sam insisted on her coffee. The signs indicated that they were almost to Lincoln; Jack figured that was as good a place as any for a rest stop. He eased the truck onto the exit ramp and looked for a restaurant to stop at.  
  
"There's a truck stop over there. They always have the best coffee." Sam pointed to the right and Jack headed the truck in that direction. Sam hopped out as soon as the truck stopped moving. "Ladies room!" she explained as she headed toward the restrooms.  
  
"You want something besides coffee?" he asked as she took off.  
  
"Nope, coffee's fine."  
  
Jack entered the truck stop. It was a large complex. There were rest areas that would allow truckers a place to make phone calls and relax as well as the dining area. There were even shower facilities. A long glassed in hallway across the front led off to each of the separate areas. Jack wandered into the dining facility and placed an order for two coffees. He walked back out with the two coffees and waited for Sam in the hallway. She sure knew how to confuse him. In the last 24 hours, she managed to display so many different emotions that he had lost count!  
  
Jack felt arms slide around his waist from behind. "Penny," Sam whispered as she rested the side of her face on his back.  
  
"Penny?"  
  
"For your thoughts," she laughed as she released him. Jack turned around to look at her. Another side to his complex Sam, tenderness, showed in her eyes. He wanted to hug her back but his hands, with cups of hot coffee in them, were full. He just smiled at her, his soft brown eyes reflecting her emotions back at her.  
  
"As always, I was thinking of you," he said softly.  
  
"Such a tease," she laughed as she wrapped her arms around him again, this time she snuggled her face into his chest, her hair tickled his throat. He awkwardly moved his arms around her, as he still juggled coffee cups.  
  
"Uh, I could do this hug thing better without the coffee. They're an accident waiting to happen."  
  
Sam released him and took one of the cups. One arm now free, Jack pulled her close to his side. Sam put her free arm around his waist and they headed back to his truck. The tension that Jack felt this morning had evaporated.  
  
Four hours later Jack's truck pulled up in front of his cabin. They had made a quick stop at a grocery store in town for supplies. They decided to wait to eat until they had gotten to the cabin. Sam stepped out of the truck into the peaceful setting of a lake framed by woods and a rustic looking cabin. The early autumn colors had peaked but there was plenty of color left. The temperature was typical for Minnesota this time of year, around 70F.  
  
It was an old-fashioned log cabin. The caulking was white against age-darkened wood. A lighter wood, intricately carved, framed the door and windows. She wondered if he did it himself. The front porch extended the full front of the cabin. It had no railings. There were several chairs made of natural wood that lined the porch. It didn't seem that big, but Jack had usually come up here alone so it wouldn't make much difference.  
  
Sam hadn't given any thought to sleeping arrangements when she suggested this little trip. Now it worried her. After last night, she knew that the only sleeping arrangement that would give her peace was in Jack's arms. However, that could lead to arrangements that were even more intimate and she didn't know if that would be wise just yet. 'Just yet,' she thought. 'When did I start thinking of 'when' instead of 'if'?'  
  
Jack walked up behind her quietly. His arms snaked around her waist as he pulled her close to him. "Well, whatta ya think?" he whispered close to her ear.  
  
Sam twined her fingers through his as he held her and leaned her head back against his chest. "I think it's perfect," she sighed.  
  
Sam released his hands and turned within the radius of his arms, her shirt twisted slightly as she moved. She smiled softly at him. "I think it's absolutely perfect. I wish I had taken you up on your earlier offers." She had a mischievous twinkle in her eye as she stood on her toes and lightly kissed his lips. "Come on, show me around."  
  
Jack pulled her tight for a moment and buried his face in her neck. Sam wrapped her arms around his waist and stood there quietly, getting drunk on the feel of him. He was a heady wine. Jack gently kissed her neck and then removed his arms only to catch her hand with his. He pulled her impatiently toward the cabin. Sam smiled; he was like a little boy as he showed a cool toy to a friend.  
  
Jack showed her around his cabin obviously pleased by her reaction. It was simple but had most of the modern conveniences. There was no phone, but there was electricity and hot and cold running water. The first floor was one large room. There were distinct separate areas, kitchen on one side and living area on the other. The only bathroom was off the living area. The kitchen consisted of the typical appliances and a small table in one corner with three chairs around it. The living area faced a large open fireplace. There was an old comfortable couch about ten feet in front of the fireplace. A futon, which made into another bed, was perpendicular to the couch. Of course, there was a recliner; it was opposite the futon. Several small tables were set convenient to each. The area directly in front of the fireplace was open.  
  
A loft half the size of the downstairs was the bedroom. An angled ladder was the only access to the loft. The bed was large, made of natural wood. It was a very masculine bed. Sam barely managed to control the shiver that ran down her spine. Her thoughts were going to get her into trouble.  
  
"You can sleep up here, I'll take the couch," Jack offered. "It's much more comfortable and it's also warmer, since warm air rises."  
  
Sam shook her head. "I, uh, I." She stumbled for words. Jack just let her get her thoughts together. "Let's talk about it later," she finally said. "Let's grab some sandwiches and then you can show me the infamous lake of no fish!" Her previously confused look turned into one of her glorious smiles.  
  
"Okay, Sam, whatever you want," he said and he meant it.  
  
**Part Six**  
  
Jack and Sam spent the afternoon outside. He showed her all the special places that gave him joy. The sun was almost set when they finally returned to the cabin. Jack felt deliciously tired as opposed to the bone tired he usually felt after off world missions. He hadn't felt this relaxed in ages. Jack knew that it would be a brief experience. They were here because of Major Williams' 'assignment'. They needed to start on it tomorrow. However, for now he planned to enjoy his evening with Sam.  
  
Sam relished the weight of Jack's arm across her shoulders. She had her arm draped around his waist as they approached the cabin. It had been a good day. Tomorrow they would have to start what they came here to do, but tonight Sam was able to forget. She could forget their ranks, their reason for being here and most of all forget their time on P3X-882. Sam leaned closer to Jack, resting her head on him as they walked up the porch. "Let's sit out here for a minute," she said softly.  
  
Jack just nodded as he led her over to a wooden bench big enough for the two of them. He did not intend to let her go just yet. As they sat down, Sam curled her legs up under her and leaned into Jack's chest. He reached around with his free arm and pulled her tightly to him, his face nuzzling her hair. "Are you hungry yet, Sam?"  
  
"No, not really, I guess I should be. It's been a while since those sandwiches." She snuggled a little closer to Jack. His close proximity was enough to send a sensuous tingle down her spine. 'Carter, you know this was an extremely bad idea?' she thought. 'Oh, yeah,' she answered herself, 'but who cares.' Sam inhaled deeply. She loved his fragrance. He smelled above all things, masculine; a musky scent that could only be Jack O'Neill. The smell of the pine-scented soap he used last night faded into the background. Sam pressed her face into his throat breathing him in.  
  
Jack closed his eyes as he felt her breath on his throat. His arms involuntarily clenched her tighter. She felt so good. He still couldn't believe that they were here, that she was here, at his cabin, just the two of them. He was afraid he would wake up and she would be gone, a wisp of memory from a dream. Jack's eyes flew open as her lips gently kissed at his throat. He drew a ragged breath, tried to collect his thoughts. "Sam," his voice was shaky as she continued her exploration of his throat. "This is not why we're here." Her hands slid up to his shoulders as she moved past his throat, her mouth moved along the point where his shoulder met his neck. "Sam, I thought we agreed that now is not the time to start anything."  
  
Sam raised her face to his. "I don't care anymore, Jack." She pulled herself up to her knees, slipped one leg over him, and straddled him, her knees framing his thighs. "I really don't care about anything anymore, except right here, right now, and you." While she spoke, her hands moved up his shoulders and to the back of his neck. Her mouth slid over his lips barely caressing them.  
  
Jack couldn't say a word. He now knew what a deer in the headlights felt like. Sam was there, in front of him, in his lap, she wanted him! He told her last night that he would keep her from doing anything that she wasn't ready to do. Now, he was definitely confused and it wasn't an act. Jack closed his eyes and exhaled. He found that he didn't know what to do with his hands. He just sat there like an idiot with his hands in the air. "Sam, last night you said…" He couldn't finish his sentence because of her kiss.  
  
Jack fought for breath. 'Breathe, Jack, breathe...' Sam was exploring his mouth gently. It was as if for Jack the world had stopped. He knew what he wanted to do; he was fighting with his conscience about what he should do.  
  
"Jack, please," Sam whispered. She sounded so tormented. "Please, let me love you."  
  
Jack groaned as his arms finally did what they wanted. Sam exhaled in relief as he pulled her tight in his embrace and buried his face in her neck. "Oh, Sam! Are you sure?" She could hear the anguish in his voice. "Please don't do anything that you will regret!"  
  
Sam pulled his head up to peer into his eyes; her hands gently cupped his face. There was little sunlight left but she could see the doubts that plagued him. She could also see the desire. "Jack, the only thing that I regret is not giving into this sooner but if you have reservations about it, I won't insist." He saw the love and concern in her eyes. He nodded slightly as she watched a myriad of emotions cross his face. Love, concern, desire, sorrow, regret, they all flashed quickly and returned to love.  
  
Jack leaned forward slightly, his mouth caught her lower lip in the same place she had bit it last night. He gently bit on her lip before he returned her kisses.  
  
Sam buried her face in his neck; bit his hard shoulder muscle gently through his shirt, as she strove for control of her breath. Jack gently kissed her ear. She heard his voice as it whispered something. She strained to hear him above the rapid beat of her heart. "I love you so much, Sam. I always have."  
  
"Oh, Jack," her voiced quivered. "I love you." Her tears flowed onto his shoulder. The way he made her feel helped to ease the pain of her memories. The relief she felt at his touch overpowered her emotions.  
  
"Sam, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Jack sounded so confused, upset.  
  
"No, no, nothing's wrong. It's finally right." Sam pulled away from his shoulder. It was now too dark to see his face. Her fingers traced a trail from his shoulder to his neck and up to his face. They wandered gently, touched his eyes then ran down the bridge of his nose. Finally, they found his lips. Sam's mouth replaced her fingers. She gently kissed him. Her heart felt so full Sam thought it was going to burst. "Let's go inside," she whispered.  
  
Jack pulled her into a crushing embrace. She stood quickly as Jack released her from his embrace. She grabbed his hand and pulled him up off the bench. He held her close to his side as they moved inside the cabin and up the ladder to his bed.  
  
They spent the night in each other's arms. In the end, he didn't care that she could taste his salty tears. He didn't care about anything in the world except her. All the barriers in his mind weakened and collapsed. His emotions flooded his consciousness all at once. Jack buried his face in her neck and cried like a child. He needed this emotional release. Sam held him close and let him.  
  
**Part Seven**  
  
Sam woke to the warmth of Jack's head nestled under her chin. His body curled up against hers, one leg thrown over her. She remembered his tears from last night. She had held him for a long time before he finally fell asleep. She knew that he needed the release that crying had brought but she wondered how he would react in the cold light of day. This day promised to be difficult to begin with. Sam had never seen Jack so emotional. She was afraid his tears would embarrass him. They needed to start their reports for Major Williams. She didn't know how she was going to get through this if Jack drew away from her because of his emotional outburst.  
  
Last night had been healing for her. The ordeal that they had suffered together on their last mission had brought many things out in to the open. Most importantly, it had brought out the feelings that they had held back for so long. Sam wanted to wait until they finished their therapy before they allowed their relationship to proceed but she couldn't. She needed him. She still hurt, for herself and for him, over what she had asked him to do. She never told him the real reason why she wanted to end it. Although the pain was terrible, the threats Angra Mainyu made were the real reason that Sam couldn't go back in there.  
  
Angra Mainyu wanted his 'partner' in intense pain. He told her that after two or three sessions with his torture device she would be ready for him. Sam's eyes filled with tears at the thought of his threats. She had always known that, as a woman in the military, rape was a real possibility. Women received training to learn to deal with it. On several occasions, Sam had had to face the possibility. Angra Mainyu's threat, however, had chilled her to the bone.  
  
Angra Mainyu wasn't using the threat of rape as a way of collecting information. He realized early on that they were telling the truth. They had been unaware that his planet was even populated. The SGC didn't care what his plans were. He just enjoyed watching her in pain. So much so that she could see his pleasure in his eyes as he tortured her. For some reason, the idea of him raping her terrified her as nothing had before. The torture device that he used caused intense burning wherever it touched his victim. It left no markings of any kind. Janet had speculated, with input from Selmac, that it caused pain centers of the brain to simulate burns. It was not necessary to touch bare skin, the pain was equally tormenting if used through clothing.  
  
Sam's mind drifted back to last night. Jack was a giving lover. She had never felt so complete before. The idea of Angra Mainyu touching her body the way Jack had last night sent waves of anguish through her. A soft sob escaped from her mouth.  
  
"Sam?" Jack whispered softly. He woke a few minutes before but didn't want to acknowledge the daylight. He wanted to lay here in her arms forever. He felt her sob more than heard it. "What's the matter?"  
  
"Nothi.." The word stopped before she finished it. "Okay, something." She knew that it would come out eventually, probably later today. Why wait?  
  
Jack laid there quietly as she sorted out her thoughts. He slowly reached for her hand and squeezed it.  
  
Sam knew that he was trying to give her time to speak. She swallowed against the lump in her throat and tried to control the tears that brimmed in her eyes. "I was thinking about P3X-882, about our reports."  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"Yeah," she replied quietly. She felt him move as if to look at her. Sam tightened her grip on him and held him where he was. "Please, it's easier this way." He simply nodded against her chest and held his arm tightly at her waist.  
  
"We never discussed the exact nature of the torture other than the physical pain and the device." She drew a ragged breath. "There was more."  
  
Jack felt her arms tighten on him, almost to the point of pain. He didn't move or acknowledge it. She was quiet for a moment.  
  
"He," she paused, squirming uncomfortably, "touched me."  
  
Jack heard her draw another ragged breath. He kept silent, dreading what would come next.  
  
"He would use the pain device first. And then he, uh," her breath was a sob this time, "he would touch me…" Her breath was uneven, panting as she fought back tears.  
  
Jack's eyes filled with tears. 'Did he rape her?' The thought flashed through his mind. He closed his eyes tightly. He didn't want to add to her distress with his. Her ragged breathing turned to tearing sobs. Jack moved quickly to trade places with her, he pulled her head close to his chest, held her tight as he stroked her hair. He said nothing as she sobbed on his chest. After a few minutes, her crying subsided. She used the edge of the sheet to dry her face as she took a deep breath.  
  
"You remember the first time he touched you with the pain device?" Her voice was very quiet.  
  
His memory of that night was vivid. Jack had blocked out most of the details but last night it had all rushed back. He had been tied to a frame, his feet barely on the floor enough to allow him to sustain his weight. Angra Mainyu toyed with a device that looked like a short Goa'uld pain stick. The first touch hadn't really hurt. It was a sting, like a needle. After a few seconds, the sting radiated out four or five inches from the point of contact. It changed from stinging to burning over several minutes. At first, the burn felt like you were too close to a campfire. In the end, it felt like a brand had been touched to your skin. Angra Mainyu let each spot achieve maximum pain before he proceeded to the next spot.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Sam drew a deep breath. "After I was strapped to the frame, he started with my hands and worked down to my shoulders." Her voice was monotone as if she was trying to disassociate herself with the scene. "Once my shoulders were burning, he moved down to my…chest." Jack could feel her swallow hard. She was trying to keep from losing it again. "He enjoyed my pain. I could see it, in his eyes and in his, uh, physical reaction."  
  
Jack closed his eyes tight. He was striving to control his reaction to her story. He didn't know what to do. If he tried to comfort her, would she accept it? Did she want him to react? Or did she just want him to listen?  
  
"Once the burning sensation built up, he began to touch me, with his hands. All the things that felt so good last night…" she hesitated, "it was agony. And he enjoyed it." Sam felt Jack's arms tighten around her. She knew he had no clue how to help her. He couldn't realize how much he had helped last night.  
  
Jack remembered that first morning when Sam returned to their cell. He had tried to touch her, to help her. She had screamed at him not to touch her. Tears leaked out of his closed eyes. Now he understood. He also understood her need last night. But was it him she needed or just the comfort of a loving touch. His heart contracted at the latter but he didn't react.  
  
"Each night it was worse. He would use the pain device, wait a few minutes for the pain to reach maximum and the whole time he would describe what he was going to do to me." Sam exhaled heavily. "And then he would show me what he meant."  
  
Sam remembered the pain she felt as Angra Mainyu touched her. Jack's arms tightened around her.  
  
"At the end of the night, he took time to describe what his plans were for our next session." Her body was shaking now. "I couldn't go back that last night. I couldn't let him…" As she lost her battle for control, her sobs grew louder. "I'm so sorry, Jack, I shouldn't have asked you… I should have been able to..."  
  
Any residual anger Jack felt toward her about her request to die at his hands vanished. He couldn't stay silent any longer. "Oh, Sam, please don't! You don't have to apologize to me. I had no idea how bad it was! I understand!"  
  
"But you've lost so much, hurt so bad over those losses and I asked you to kill me. I gave up hope and used your feelings for me. I should have had faith in you. You believed that we would be rescued! I should have believed you! I'm so sorry, can you ever forgive me?"  
  
Jack sat up pulling Sam up with him. He forced her to look at him. "Sam, I love you. There is nothing to forgive. I had given up hope too. I just couldn't bring myself to let you know that. I wanted to give you something to live for!"  
  
His hands reached to cup her face, his thumbs brushed away her tears. "Besides, Kaveh admitted that the reason he helped us was you. He never said what happened to you in there but he said he admired your courage and your strength. He said that your request to die was honorable. Now I know what he meant." Jack used the edge of the sheet to dry the remaining tears from Sam's face. "He said that by demonstrating your honor in that way he realized that he had to help us. If you had continued to submit to Angra Mainyu, we could have died there. We had no way of knowing if rescue would ever come."  
  
Jack rested his forehead against Sam's, their noses touching. "As far as my losses, well, you've helped me to come to terms with that more than you can ever realize. And that too wouldn't have happened if you hadn't…" His voice trailed off.  
  
Sam knew what he meant. He had never really finished mourning for the people he had lost in his life. He had never truly grieved until last night. She tilted her head to get past his nose and gain access to his mouth. She gently captured his bottom lip with her mouth, moving on to kiss him full on the lips. "I love you," she whispered.  
  
"I love you," he whispered back. He pulled her close and they sank back down into the bed. They were both exhausted. The emotional roller coaster they had been on for the last few weeks wasn't over yet, but worst curves were behind them and it was slowing down.  
  
**Part Eight**  
  
Sam woke in bed alone. Her stomach lurched as she remembered the events of this morning. Jack said he understood and that there was nothing to forgive. Her eyes stung as she remembered the way he held her afterwards. She must have fallen back to sleep. The smell of coffee filled the loft. Sam stretched so hard that her back made a cracking noise and her toes curled.  
  
She pushed back the covers and stood up. Her duffle was still down stairs. Sam snooped through a couple of Jack's drawers and found a t-shirt that fell midway between her hips and her knees. "That'll work," she mumbled. She tried to smooth her hair down but without a brush, it was impossible. 'Oh, well, if my bed head doesn't scare him, nothing will!'  
  
Jack heard sounds from the loft. He grabbed an empty coffee cup and filled it as he heard the ladder squeak from her steps. "Good morning," he said before he looked up. She had reached the bottom of the ladder when he glanced up to hand her coffee. One look at her hair made him burst out in laughter.  
  
"Jack O'Neill, I am not a nice person before coffee and if you say one word about my hair, you may regret it."  
  
"Hey, call it payback for laughing at my butt yesterday!" he protested. "What is so funny about my butt any way?"  
  
It was Sam's turn to laugh. "I wasn't laughing at your rear end, Jack. I was laughing at the tone of your voice. So indignant!" She walked over to him and swatted the object in question. "I happen to think you have a very nice rear end."  
  
Jack grabbed her and started nuzzling her neck. "And I happen to love your all mussed up look, especially when I got to do the mussing! My t-shirt never looked this good on me." His hands roamed up and down her back. I must say, I really like this look," he whispered in her ear.  
  
"Well, right now you will just have to be content with looking. I need the bathroom, coffee and a shower, in that order!" Sam glanced over her shoulder as she headed toward the bathroom.  
  
"Go, leave me for a shower! I hope I used up all the hot water! Serves you right!" he laughed as she teasingly glared at him.  
  
"And don't burn breakfast!" she laughed.  
  
Jack turned quickly to see that the bacon was smoking too much. "Yes, ma'am!" he said as he got breakfast under control.  
  
Jack had the table set with bacon, eggs, juice and coffee when Sam emerged from the bathroom.  
  
He turned to say something to her and promptly forgot what it was. She was gorgeous. Sam, flushed from the heat of her shower, wrapped only in a towel, walked toward the kitchen area. She roughly toweled her hair as she spoke. "Where's my bag?"  
  
She looked at him and smiled at the stunned look on his face. "Jack, what's the matter?" His only answer was a broad grin. "Jaaack?" she questioned.  
  
Finally, he found his voice. "Do you know how beautiful you are?" His grin broadened even more as she blushed. Jack moved over to her and pulled her into a tight embrace. "I'm not going to tell you where your bag is. I want you dressed in towels or my t-shirts for the rest of the week."  
  
Sam sighed into his chest. "I could go for that except I think we would find it rather distracting."  
  
"To hell with Williams and his book reports! I think you are the best therapy, the only therapy that I need!" His lips nibbled on her ear lobe, his tongue danced along the outer edge.  
  
Sam moaned lightly as he teased her. "Your breakfast is getting cold," she giggled.  
  
"Forget breakfast!" Jack swept her up in his arms, moved quickly to the couch, and planted her firmly on it. As he kissed her gently, she forgot that breakfast was getting cold.  
  
**Part Nine**  
  
Sam set up her laptop on the kitchen table. It was time to get down to the reason they were here. Jack had actually brought his computer and set it up near the recliner. He wanted to wait but Sam had insisted that they get this finished. She was never one to procrastinate. She wanted to put this behind her so they could move forward.  
  
"Do you want some more coffee?" Sam's voice infiltrated his train of thought. "I could make some more."  
  
"Sure! I didn't get a lot of sleep last night for some reason." He smiled at her blush, as she thought about the reason. He watched her as she puttered around his kitchen. She was dressed in a pair of sweat pants and his t-shirt. She hadn't bothered with any make-up, but he never thought she needed it anyway. Her hair glowed golden as it reflected the sunlight that shined through the kitchen window. She was so beautiful and she was here with him.  
  
Jack felt a lump in his throat. He remembered his emotional outburst last night. He was rather surprised that he didn't feel embarrassed about crying like a baby on Sam's shoulder. All the doors he kept closed on his emotions had opened all at once. He had managed to get the barriers back in place on most of them this morning but he wasn't sure how secure they were. Sam was a salve to his wounded soul. With her help, he reconciled himself to some of the darker things in his life. It wasn't just last night. For the last six years, she had been shelter in a storm. She was always there for him. Sometimes they didn't agree on things but she has always respected his opinion and helped him through the rough times.  
  
Sam had decided that since her original report was on her computer, she would use it as a starting point. It would be easier to insert what she left out rather than start from scratch. Jack thought it was a good idea so he planned on the same strategy. Armed with coffee and comfort of each other nearby, they worked silently as they tried to piece together their reports. Jack kept a discreet eye on Sam as she worked. After what she'd told him this morning, he knew that this would be extremely difficult for her.  
  
Jack felt a stab of rage when he thought of how the Goa'uld had used Sam. He now understood her terror that night. She said that Angra Mainyu had not raped her, but he had sexually molested her. He planned to consummate his torture that last night. That was why she would rather have died than go back there. He glanced at her discreetly. She was agitated, her bottom lip caught between her teeth and her eyes were little wild. He didn't know whether to interrupt her or not. He decided to wait. Jack looked back to his work and continued his report.  
  
Sam stared at what she had written. _The Goa'uld proceeded to touch me. The pain was excruciating. He told me that this was just the beginning and that each night he would continue to prepare me for him. He said that he wanted me to be screaming in agony when he…_ She stopped reading. 'Consummated?' she thought. 'Raped? Took? Hell, how do you describe something like this?' _He said that he wanted me screaming in agony when he…_ She paused again. She bit her bottom lip. 'This is ridiculous! I cannot put this in to a report. It would be easier talking about it!'  
  
Sam pushed away from the table abruptly. "I'll be back, I need some air!" she said curtly to Jack as she left the cabin.  
  
Jack got up and discreetly followed her. He recognized her need for some privacy but he didn't want her out there alone in her current state. It would be easy for her to lose track of where she was. She didn't know the area well enough. He stayed far enough behind her to keep her from seeing him. She wandered down toward the lake and along the edge. He stayed in the woods out of sight.  
  
After walking, lost in thought, for half an hour, Sam stopped. Jack had showed her this spot yesterday; it was one of his favorites. A secluded cove pushed back quite a ways from the main part of the lake; there was a small open grassy area at the edge of the lake. Sam sat down in the grass and stared out at the peaceful lake. She could understand why Jack loved it here. It was a balm to a troubled heart and soul.  
  
Sam pulled her knees up and rested her arms across them. She couldn't finish that report. She would just have to tell Joe that it wasn't possible to put it on paper. He would have to make do with a verbal report. All the things that happened to her on P3X-882 flashed through her mind. Angra Mainyu's hands as they roamed her pain-filled body, the lust in his eyes as he described what was in store for her…  
  
Sam felt tears surface again. She buried her head on her crossed arms and sobbed. She couldn't put that on paper. Joe couldn't ask her to.  
  
Jack watched as Sam broke down into tears. He wanted to go to her, to hold her. He wasn't sure if he should. Maybe she needed time to let the emotions out without witnesses. His heart ached as he watched her. Her sobs came harder and she rolled over on her side, her body curling into a tight ball as she cried.  
  
Jack couldn't take it anymore. He moved quietly out of the brush. "Sam?" He called out her name. He didn't want to scare her. She looked up at him, her face red and tear-stained. He moved quickly to sit next to her and pulled her into his lap.  
  
"It's okay, Sam." He rocked her back and forth, as he cradled her like a frightened child. Her face buried in his chest, her tears soaked his shirt. "Let it out, baby, let it out," he crooned softly. She needed to cry. She needed release.  
  
Sam didn't know how long he had been there, how much he had seen, but she didn't care. She needed him, more than she needed air to breathe. She relished the feel of the strong arms that held her. She felt her demons flee in the face of his strength. She felt her heavy heart lighten with the soft kisses he planted on her hair. She wrapped her arms tightly around him.  
  
"I can't do it, Jack," she whispered. "I can't write it down."  
  
"It'll be okay, don't worry about it. We'll talk to Joe when we get back. We'll work something out." He continued to rock her slightly.  
  
"He said if we didn't work past it, he would have to split up the team. I don't want to leave but I just can't do this." Sam's tears started again.  
  
"Sam, baby, don't do this to yourself. Joe said that this was just one way to do this. He said it would be quicker, that's all. So it takes longer, it will be all right. Trust me on this, please." Jack's voice was calm and soothing. His words made sense. Sam let them wash over her.  
  
Jack was right. Joe did say they could talk about it instead of this more unconventional method. She could do that easier than writing it. She told Jack some of it this morning. She could talk to Joe.  
  
Jack felt her muscles relax as she accepted his words. She kept her arms around him tight and sighed. He smiled into her hair. Leave it to his practical Sam to understand and accept.  
  
"I'm sorry, Jack," she said softly.  
  
"For what?" He sounded confused.  
  
She gave a short laugh. "For crying so much. I know you hate tears."  
  
"Oh, Sam, don't be sorry. You've earned the right to cry. Besides, I am just returning the favor."  
  
Sam, surprised by his words, hugged him tight. She didn't think that he would talk about last night at all. She would never have mentioned it. She was glad he felt comfortable enough to say something.  
  
"It helped," he said softly as he kissed her hair. He rested his cheek on her head. "Thank you."  
  
Sam turned her face up to look at him. "Thank you, too. I love you."  
  
Jack's smile was gentle and his eyes were tender. "I love you, too." He leaned into her and kissed her lightly.  
  
The air had turned chilly, a cold front had moved in. Neither of them had grabbed a jacket on the way out of the cabin. Sam shivered slightly from the cold. "Let's go back to the cabin," Jack suggested.  
  
Sam nodded as she pushed herself off his lap and extended a hand to him. He took her hand and stood up, his knees creaking. Jack slipped an arm across her shoulders as she wound her arm around his waist. They walked slowly back toward the cabin not speaking.  
  
Jack led Sam to the couch and wrapped an afghan around her. He moved to the fireplace to start a fire. The tinder caught quickly and soon there was a blazing fire. Jack sat on the couch next to Sam. She snuggled up under his arm with her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. They sat in silence as they watched the fire, each lost in their own thoughts.  
  
Jack felt Sam's weight on his chest increase and her breath steady. She had fallen asleep. He would like to just sit there and hold her but he needed to finish his report. Jack found it easier to write than talk.  
  
Jack moved quietly to avoid waking her up and laid her down on the couch. He covered her gently with the afghan and went back to the recliner. Jack read what he had already written. It was amazing how much he had done this morning. He added bits and pieces to what he had already as he read. It seemed like he had to add more and more about his past to make some things make sense. He found he had written about Charlie and Sara, his imprisonment in Iraq, his blending with the Tok'ra, Kanaan, and his capture by Ba'al. There were things about Sam also. Their forced admission of their feelings when they were suspected of being Zatarcs and their feelings for each other while they were mind stamped. He surprised himself with his candid narration of painful events in his life. 'Maybe Joe is on to something,' he mused.  
  
Sam interrupted Jack's thoughts. She stirred restlessly in her sleep. He could hear mumbled cries of "No!", "Please don't!" He moved quickly to her side.  
  
"Sam! Wake up, Sam. It's just a dream!" He rubbed her back with his hand and grasped her hand in his other. "Come on, Sam, wake up!"  
  
Sam started awake and almost hit him. "Oh, Jack, I'm sorry!" Her eyes were wide and wild.  
  
"Hey, it's okay," he said as he sat next to her and wrapped his arms around her. "You were having a nightmare. It's okay now."  
  
Sam held on to him tight. Her eyes filled with tears again. She buried her face in his chest and breathed deeply as she tried to regain control. Jack's arms felt so good around her. Not like… She blocked the memory of her nightmare.  
  
"You are okay, Sam. Everything will be okay." His voice soothed her frazzled nerves. His hands calmed her overwrought body.  
  
Sam turned her face toward his. "Kiss me, Jack, please!" She sounded desperate even to herself.  
  
Jack smiled at her and lightly brushed her lips with his. "That's an easy one! Ask me something hard!" He kissed her deeper. Sam's body moved over his, her thighs straddled his.  
  
"Please make the memories go away," Sam whispered as she kissed him hard. "Make me forget!" Her hands roamed over his chest frantically. "Help me forget!"  
  
Jack hesitated, concerned by her desperate pleas. "Sam, I can't make the memories go away. Babe, you have to learn to live with them."  
  
"No, you made them go away last night! Make them go away!" Sam's mouth was desperate on his, hard and demanding. Her hands roamed up and down his back.  
  
"Sam," he said sharply as he pulled her hands away. "Listen to me! I can't make the memory go away! No matter how many times we make love, it will always be there. You have to learn to live with it as best you can!"  
  
"No, no, no," she protested as she fought his hands. "You made them go away before!"  
  
Jack inhaled sharply. 'Was that all last night was?' he thought. 'Was she just using me to block her memories?' His heart felt as if a cold hand had reached in and squeezed. He abruptly moved her off him and stood up.  
  
"Jack, where are you going?" Sam sounded confused and angry.  
  
Jack walked over the fire and stared at it. His voice was quiet when he answered her. "Sam, I can't change what happened. God knows I would if I could, but I can't. You have to learn to live with the memory. It will fade and most of the time you can forget about it, but it will always be there. Sometimes it will bounce into the front of your mind out of nowhere and you just have to deal with it. Using sex to forget about it won't last and could do more harm than good."  
  
She watched as his jaw clenched and the muscles in his arms tightened as his fists opened and closed.  
  
"Sam, I would do anything in the world for you. I love you more than I could ever imagine loving someone. But I can't let you use us, use me, to salve your humiliation. It's not fair, to you or to me." She could hear the pain in his voice as he continued to watch the fire.  
  
Sam was shocked. He thought she had used him. How could he doubt the way she felt about him? The last few minutes on the couch replayed in her mind. Sam gasped at the thought that maybe he was right. But he couldn't be! "Oh, no, Jack! I wouldn't, I mean, I didn't…but I love you."  
  
He turned to look at her. His eyes filled with pain. "Sam, I know that. You just need to realize that no matter what we do, the pain of what happened won't go away completely. You need to think about what is going on here and where we will go from here." He moved to the recliner and perched on the edge. "I need to know where you expect this relationship to go."  
  
Her eyes stared at his as Sam sat shaking as his words sunk in. Where did she expect this to go? She hadn't really thought past this week. Where could it go? Their ranks, their careers, the team…all of these were in jeopardy. Her eyes dropped to her hands. If she were honest with herself, she knew what she wanted from this trip when she suggested his cabin. She didn't think about the consequences. She didn't want to. She wanted him. She loved him and she was tired of denying it.  
  
"I didn't think," she admitted, her hands clenched as her eyes stared at them. "I didn't want to. I don't know what's next. I was tired of waiting."  
  
Jack remembered her mumbled words in the cell the second night of their imprisonment. She was talking in a pain-filled sleep. _'Why did we wait?'_ She had asked him. Even though she probably couldn't hear him, he had answered that they shouldn't have. Now they hadn't waited any longer. The big question now was where do they go from here?  
  
His voice was soft when he spoke. "Sam, I was tired of waiting too. But I don't know where we go next either. I do know that I don't want to go back. I don't think that I can handle that. I can't force my feelings for you behind a barrier and forget this."  
  
She felt tears fill her eyes again. She bit them back. She had cried enough for a lifetime. Sam looked up at him. "I can't go back either."  
  
Jack nodded slightly and sighed. "Well, we just have to figure out what to do before we leave here. First, we need to finish what we came here to do."  
  
"I can't finish that report!" Sam protested.  
  
"You might not be able to put everything into it but you should put as much as you can handle. That will help move things along when we get back. I'm finding it a lot easier to do than I expected." He sounded surprised at the statement. "Look, let's just try to get this part over with and then we can discuss us."  
  
"Okay," she nodded. "I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't…"  
  
"Shhhh. Don't think about it now. I think I understand. Let's just finish what we have to do."  
  
Jack got up from the recliner and came over to her. He pulled her up from the couch and hugged her tightly. "We figure something out." She nodded into his shoulder as her arms wrapped around his waist.  
  
**Part Ten  
**  
Jack and Sam spent the rest of the day on opposite sides of the room as they worked on their reports. Jack was amazed at the amount of information he was able to put into words on paper. He would never have been able to vocalize this much. He just wasn't good at saying things.  
  
Jack glanced up at Sam. She looked uncomfortable and tired. She steadily worked all afternoon without any more outbursts but he knew it was hard for her. 'Where do we go from here?' he thought. How could they continue without risk to her career and reputation? Jack didn't really care about his own risks. His were less. Could he retire and leave the SGC? Could he patiently wait for Sam to come home? Could he stand her being out there without him to watch her six? He took a deep breath. 'That's not the answer.' He would go nuts if he had to wait around while she could be in danger.  
  
Her leaving the SGC was not an option. Jack refused to consider it. She was far too valuable for that. Besides, her career was far from over. He had enough years to retire; she still had many years left.  
  
Could they just keep it discrete? If no one knew, no one would get hurt. He didn't think that was the answer either. He didn't want an affair, something that had to be kept behind closed doors and not allowed to see the light of day. He wanted a normal life with her. Dinner out, grocery shopping, picnics in the park, he wanted all the things that you were supposed to be able to do with someone you loved. What if she wanted children? There were so many things they needed to discuss.  
  
Sam looked up and met Jack's eyes. His face looked so serious. She smiled softly at him and he rewarded her with a smile of his own. She was almost done. She had put as much into words as she could. It was actually more than she thought she could. The worst of her humiliation would have to be in person. She couldn't put that on paper. "You about done?" she asked.  
  
Jack breathed deeply and nodded. He put his laptop on the table beside the recliner and stood up. "Yeah, I think I am. I will probably read over it again before I finally give it to Joe but for now, I'm done." He stretched hard, his hands intertwined behind his head, his chest pushed out. "What about you? I think it's time for a break."  
  
"I've done as much as I can on paper. The rest will just have to wait." Sam saved and closed the document. She walked to the window and stared out for a minute. There was still some time before sunset. "Wanna go for a walk? I could use some fresh air."  
  
"Sure."  
  
They both grabbed a jacket this time and headed out into the late afternoon sun. The day was clear but the earlier chill had increased. The temperature tonight was bound to get cold. They walked in silence, both occupied with their own thoughts, side by side but not touching. Awkwardness had come between them that wasn't there before.  
  
They found their way back to the cove. "Wanna sit for a minute?" Jack offered.  
  
Sam nodded as they moved to the grassy area. They sat quietly for a few minutes as they watched the lake and absorbed the calm beauty of their surroundings.  
  
"I guess we need to talk," Sam said softly.  
  
"Yeah," was the quiet reply. Jack's face scrunched up as it does when he is uncomfortable.  
  
"I don't know where to go from here. I only know I can't go back to the way things were before." She paused, not knowing how to continue.  
  
"Me either," was his only comment.  
  
Sam laughed softly. Jack was never very good at talking about personal things. She could see that she would have to do most of the talking.  
  
"If you rule that out, I can't see more than three other options. First, I could leave the SGC." She raised her hand to stop his protest. "I am only listing our options. Not choosing one." He nodded silently and allowed her to continue. "It would be easy for me to get a civilian position. They would welcome my full time participation on scientific research. Second, you could leave the SGC. An option I refuse to discuss. You are too valuable to the program. And the third, well, we keep quiet about it. I don't like that option because I don't like the idea of hiding from all of our friends. We couldn't let the military ones know for fear of getting them into trouble. Daniel and Teal'c could know but that wouldn't be fair to them to have to watch what they say or do."  
  
She sighed as she finished her narration. "It's not going to be easy, no matter what we decide."  
  
Jack nodded. "Well, if you won't discuss option two and I won't discuss option one, we are stuck with talking about option three."  
  
Sam nodded. She understood that he wouldn't let her consider leaving. "Even transferring to a new team wouldn't work since I'd still be under your command as 2IC of the SGC."  
  
"I wouldn't feel right having you on another team but what if I ask George to replace me as 2IC. Then another team would be an option."  
  
Sam thought about it for a moment. "Well, I guess that would work but would he? I mean, you are the senior ranking officer after the General. That's why you are his 2IC in the first place."  
  
"Yeah, but it doesn't mean that I couldn't be replaced in that role. I am only senior to Reynolds by about a year."  
  
"Okay, let's say that this is a viable option. How would it affect your career? I mean, being 2IC is a good career builder. What would it do to your record to be replaced?"  
  
"Sam, my record is full of things that could have messed up my career a long time ago but hasn't. I don't see that this would do any more damage than anything else I have done."  
  
Sam was actually getting excited at the idea. There might be a way around the regs. He would still out rank her but they are both officers and they wouldn't be in each other's direct chain of command. It could actually work. Jack was right. If some of the things he's done in the past hadn't hurt him, how much could this?  
  
"How would you approach General Hammond about it?" Her voice was quiet but he could hear the sound of hope.  
  
"Well, after all we've been through, and Joe said he knew something about our feelings for each other, I guess I could just be honest about it. George is a good guy. I think he'd understand. And I don't think he'd be willing to lose either of us, so it might be a sound compromise."  
  
"Could you handle taking orders from Colonel Reynolds?"  
  
"Yeah, he's a good guy. His wife is ex-military. He said once that they had to make a choice. She decided to get out. His career track was faster than hers was and it made sense. They didn't like it at the time but they didn't really have any other options. They couldn't keep it a secret forever because they wanted kids. They have four now!" Jack laughed at the memory of Reynolds saying they should have stopped at two. "I think he would completely understand and welcome the chance at the position. I don't think that he'd try to make things difficult for me."  
  
Sam nodded thoughtfully. "Jack?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
She was trying hard not to laugh. "What's Plan B?"  
  
Jack laughed hard. She knew his "plan A" never went right the first try. He reached over to her and pulled her close. He kissed the top of her head. "I think plan A has a good chance this time!"  
  
Sam snuggled into him and wrapped her arms around his waist. The tension they had felt since this morning evaporated. She savored the warmth and scent of him. They still had a couple of days here before they had to head back. They had a plan, and it seemed like a good one. Her memories of their imprisonment seemed to fade slightly. She knew that she had a lot of work to do before she could let them fade into the back of her mind but she could face anything now. Jack was there for her. He always had been but now, now, it was different. With him to come home to, she could handle anything.  
  
They sat quietly and watched the sunset, together at last.  
  
**THE END **

**(For now!)**


End file.
